The Disappearance of Ian Lai [Mood]

[Howl]

“Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.”

-David Foster Wallace

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Part 1: Josh

June, 2002 - Age 12

“Whoa.”

“What? Do I look stupid?”

“No. You kind of look like a girl though.” I reach over and tug on a section of Ian’s hair. It’s getting kind of long and part of it keeps trying to hang over his eyes. He gets annoyed and bats my hand away. When he turns back to the mirror, he leans over the sink to stare at his reflection. Open makeup containers line the edge of the counter: mascara, eyeshadow and tubes of lipstick.

“I kind of do,” he admits, batting his eyelashes. He kisses the mirror. It leaves a dark red stain on the glass in the shape of his lips. “Your turn.”

“I don’t think I want to.”

“Oh, come on. This was your idea.”

“It looks good on you. I’ll just look like a clown or something.”

Ian grabs a tube of pink lipstick and looks at me like he’s about to attack me with it. “Resistance is futile, Josh.”

“Noo, keep it away!” I laugh and run out of the bathroom, but Ian’s right behind me. He chases me downstairs to the living room and tackles me onto the rug. It hurts a little when I fall, but I’m laughing too hard to care. He tries to get the lipstick on me, but I start struggling and he misses my mouth. He ends up leaving this streak of it on my cheek before I push him off.

Then we’re both laughing. Ian drops the lipstick on the rug and falls over, clutching his chest.

Eventually we calm down. When he sits up, he does this thing where he pulls his t-shirt off one shoulder and looks at me like he’s trying to be sexy or something. “Would you like me better if I was a girl?”

“What? No.” I try to rub the lipstick off my cheek but I think I just end up smearing it around.

“Why?”

“Um… I don’t know?”

He crawls forward and sits on his heels, leaning close. The silence gets kind of awkward so I try to look away, but then he says, “We should kiss or something.”

“…What?” I can feel my face getting hot. Something twists in my stomach.

“I mean, just to try it.”

“Oh. Um…”

“Never mind. I’m being weird, sorry.” He fixes his shirt and looks away.

“No, it’s cool. I mean… I don’t mind.”

He looks at me again. Then he just leans forward and presses our lips together and… it’s kind of strange. I mean, he’s right there in my face, super close. And his lips feel sort of dry and waxy from the makeup. He pulls back for a second and tries again, slower.

I don’t hate it, actually. It kind of makes me feel dizzy, in a good way. 

Then he jumps back like something just scared him. “Shit, my mom’s home early.” I don’t hear anything, but then the door opens.

My heart feels like it’s about to break out of my chest. I can tell my face is red. This is the most embarrassed I’ve been in my life. Ian tries to grab the lipstick off the floor before his mom sees it (which is kind of silly, considering,) but I just freeze like an idiot. Meanwhile his mom stands there staring at us like her eyes are going to drill holes through our heads. She says something to Ian in Chinese.

Ian says something back. He’s blushing and he looks upset. I feel awkward so I look away. I can tell they’re about to have a fight. His mom’s voice gets all sharp and angry.

They start arguing. Loudly.

I kind of want to die.

At some point Ian jumps up and throws the lipstick at the wall. It breaks and leaves this pale pink stain on the paint. When I look over, I can see that he’s crying. He makes this frustrated sound and turns to run up the stairs. His mom shoots me this terrifying look before she follows him up.

I should probably stay, but I’m too much of a coward. As soon as they’re gone, I leave.

I don’t remember I have lipstick on my face until I get home and see my reflection in the mirror.

[Howl]

[CW: Racism, Homophobia]

September, 2004 - Age 14

“Seriously, you don’t have to stay with me.” I glance over at Ian and try to catch my breath. At this point we’re way behind the head of the line. Most of the class is running in a couple of packs ahead of us. Eventually they’ll probably loop around the track and catch up. That’ll be even more embarrassing. At least Kevin Horvath and Becca Carson are still behind me, so I’m not technically last. It’s a little cold out today, but that isn’t bothering me anymore because I’m sweating so much it probably looks like I took a shower. Our high school is downwind from a chocolate factory so the smell in the air is making me hungry - which is not helping anything.

Ian isn’t even winded. He’s jogging around me in these slow circles like he’s bored. That is also not helping.

“I could care less what time I get, Josh. PE is a fucking joke.”

“Dude, you are literally running circles around me right now. It’s embarrassing.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Ian slows down and falls in next to me. He’s quiet for a while as we run. When I look over I notice there are goosebumps on his arms; that his shoulders are kind of hunched.

Oh. Now I feel bad.

“Do you wanna borrow my hoodie?”

“The one you’ve been sweating in? No thanks.”

“Hey, my sweat smells like roses.”

“It does not.”

“Come on, you look cold.”

“Nah, I’m cool.”

“Alright. Suit yourself.” Eventually I get so tired I have to walk. When Ian slows down, he starts to rub his hands up and down his arms. I can’t deal with watching him like that anymore, so I reach over and put my arm around him, hugging him into my side. He makes this adorable protest noise, but he doesn’t actually try to pull away. “Better?”

He just huffs and leans into me. I try not to let myself smile.

Someone behind us whistles. When I look back, I see that the front group is about to lap us. Preston Lee is in the lead, which isn’t surprising since he’s like the most athletic kid in our grade. I’m not sure if it’s him that whistled or one of the other guys, but a second later Sean Jackson, who’s behind him, starts snickering and goes, “Out of the way, fags.”

I figure Ian’s probably going to push me away at that point, but he doesn’t. Instead he holds up his arm and flips everyone off. There’s a bit of laughter and a couple of appreciative claps from the girls. Then the group starts to come around in front of us and Sean Jackson turns around, pulls his eyelids into a slanted shape and says, “Ohhh, me so horny.”

“Fuck you, dude.” I really, really want to punch this guy.

“Knock it off Sean,” Mr. Baker yells from the bleachers.

Ian gets really tense all of a sudden and pulls away. When I look at him, I get this kind of sick feeling in my stomach like something bad’s about to happen. “Ian, don’t…”

But he doesn’t listen to me. He takes off like a bolt and sprints toward Sean, who’s turned around at this point. Ian hits him at full speed and Sean hits the ground hard. It looks pretty painful. Sean starts to shout “What the fuck…” but then Ian jumps on top of him and just starts waling…

I’ve never seen him hit someone before. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

No one else seems to either. Most of the other kids just stand there watching. Mr. Baker starts shouting and runs down to pull them apart, but Preston beats him to it. He’s a lot bigger than Ian, and when he grabs him he kind of wrenches him away and throws him against the stands. Ian’s head cracks against the bench when he falls.

There’s a lot of blood.

I run over, but Mr. Baker is there and he pushes me back.

Sean is pretty beat up. His legs are skinned and his nose is broken. Ian doesn’t wake up for about three minutes and it’s probably the most scared I’ve ever been in my life. Preston actually starts crying because he didn’t mean to hurt him that bad. Sean’s crying too. Probably because his nose is broken.

Ian gets sent home later with a concussion. And a suspension.

[Howl]

May, 2005 - Age 15

I open the door and there’s Ian, standing on my porch with a bright blue streak in his hair. It takes me by surprise for a second, mostly because I never thought his mom would actually let him do it. “Hey! Dude, your hair looks awesome.”

“Thanks.” Ian smiles and brushes his fingers through the dyed section. I let him inside and he kicks off his shoes by the mat.

“Did your mom finally say yes?”

“Sort of? My dad convinced her to let me do it on a ‘trial basis.’” He does air quotes with his hands.

“Sweet. Now you just need a lip ring.”

Ian laughs. “Yeah, I wish.” When we get to the living room he hops over the back of the sofa. I walk around and sit like a normal person, because if I tried to do that I’d hurt myself.

“Where’d you go yesterday?”

“Oh. I skipped last period and went to Millennium Park.”

“By yourself?”

“No. I went with this girl Naomi from my algebra class.”

“Which Naomi? The tall one?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, I have English with her. She’s pretty cool.”

“Yeah, she’s alright.” He’s being cagey. I can tell by the way he’s picking at the frayed threads over the torn knee of his jeans that he wants me to change the subject. There’s kind of an awkward silence for a moment and something about it makes me feel nervous.

“So how was ballet?” I finally manage.

Ian shrugs. “It was fine.” He looks up and settles his hands in his lap. “Lindsey almost kicked me in the face because she was being an idiot, but mostly rehearsal went okay. Ethan told me he thinks I should try out for this summer intensive thing he’s teaching.”

“Dude, you should. I bet you’d get in.”

“You’re biased.” Ian smirks and stretches out on the sofa, leaning into my side. His hair smells amazing. I kind of want to tilt my face into it and just breathe. Suddenly he slides away and falls with his head and shoulders into my lap. It surprises me, but not in a bad way.

“What are you doing?” I laugh.

“Did your mom make any cupcakes today?” He looks up at me with wide eyes and an extremely appealing smile.

“Yeah, she made chocolate ones earlier.”

“Can I have some?”

Some days I’m half-convinced that Ian likes my mom’s baking better than he likes me. “I’m not supposed to take any until after dinner.”

“Aw, come on.” Ian swats at my chest playfully. I swear to god, he must have been a cat in a past life. (And he’s exactly as hard to say no to.) I try not to laugh, but only half-succeed.

“No, you’re gonna get me in trouble.”

“Cupcaaaaaaaakes….” He paws at my chest again.

“Ian…” I’m trying so hard to stay serious but it doesn’t work and now I can’t stop giggling. Ian looks so hot and adorable and I really just want to lean over and kiss him.

What would happen if I did?

It makes my heart go kind of crazy, thinking about it. My pulse is beating so hard and I can’t catch my breath. That’s when Ian shifts on my lap and his elbow bumps into my crotch.

I’m pretty sure I just died. For about a thousand different reasons.

Both of us freeze. The room suddenly gets very quiet. Ian sits up awkwardly and looks away. I tuck my knees into my chest and try to pretend that none of that just happened.

“I guess you can have one,” I say, because I have to say something.

“No, it’s cool. I don’t want to get you in trouble.” He still doesn’t look at me. I think he’s about to bolt, but… instead he stands up and goes to turn on the Xbox. “I’ll steal one after dinner.” He glances back tentatively. “Wanna play Halo?”

“Sure.” I don’t really, but the distraction is such a relief I don’t care.

[Howl]

August, 2005 - Age 15

Montrose Beach is crowded today. Ian and I managed to snag a space, but it’s hard to relax with all these shrieking kids around. We just came back from the water and my legs are covered in sand. I keep trying to brush them off, but then it just sticks to my hands.  Ian is stretched out on his towel with one arm over his eyes like he’s trying to block out the sun. Normally he’s the first person to complain when the beach is crowded, but today he’s just… I don’t know. Chill. He didn’t talk much on the way over.

Beads of water are drying on his skin. I feel like maybe I shouldn’t stare at his chest, but it’s hard not to. 

One of the kids next to us drops his ice cream bar in the sand and just leaves it there. Melting.

I think Ian might be asleep. Out of curiosity, I lean over and slide my finger over the stripe of hair on his armpit. He gives this little jolt and smacks my hand away, blinking.

“Dude, do not try to tickle me right now.”

“Sorry.” I grin down at him, but I’m not actually sorry. He looks up at me like he’s just noticed something and gives this little laugh.

“How are you already sunburned?”

“Huh?” I glance at my shoulder and realize he’s right – it is pretty red. “Oh shit.”

“That’s going to hurt later.”

I frown. It’s already starting to hurt. “How are you not sunburned?”

“Because I’m not a pale person from the land of Caucasia.”

We both kind of laugh at that. When Ian looks away, he still has this lingering smile. He stretches like a cat, arching his spine and giving this little sigh. When he doesn’t say anything for a while, I ask, “What’s up with you today?”

He just looks at me, smiles again and bites his lip. I raise my eyebrows but he still doesn’t answer. Finally he just covers his eyes like he’s embarrassed and turns away from me. “I made out with Naomi yesterday.”

Oh.

I feel kind of sick all of a sudden. The smell of that kid’s ice cream is making me nauseous.

“Oh.” I should say something else, but I don’t know what to say. “That’s cool, I guess.” He turns back and looks at me, but I can’t tell what he’s thinking.

“Yeah. It was really cool, actually.” He sits up and rests his arms on his knees. “We drove up to Madison with her mom and saw her grandparents - which was less boring than I thought it would be. Then Naomi and I took a walk in the arboretum. It was so fucking pretty there. I should’ve taken pictures.” He shoots a look at me and gets suddenly quiet.

I think the sun is giving me a headache. “I was there once, I think. When I was like… five or six.”

“You should go back. Maybe we can go some time.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

I look away and watch some of the kids playing in the waves. Ian doesn’t say anything for a while, then gets up and shakes out his towel. “Let’s get out of here.”

We don’t say much to each other on the way home.